I said “beautiful” not “skinny”. We were at my parents house and my daughter, Nyeema, was getting her third snack out of their refrigerator. She started laughing because she finally noticed what to her were funny pictures on their refrigerator. She asked me “Mom, why do Nani and Nana (maternal grandmother and grandfather in Hindi) have pictures of women in bikinis on their refrigerator?” I rolled my eyes and said “I have no idea.” 

I did, in fact know why there were pictures of Nicole Richie and a bikini clad Victoria Secret model, Alessandra Ambrosio, on their refrigerator. I’ve never asked them, but as a woman, I knew it was a reminder my mom put up for herself on the refrigerator to not to eat too much so she doesn’t gain weight (meanwhile, I’m sure my Dad is enjoying the pictures). Her goal is to look skinny like the women in these cutouts. I’m sure you’re wondering why a 74 year old grandma would care. Well, she’s a woman. And perhaps it’s more than that. 

This was a topic I did not want to discuss with my nine year old. I changed the subject because I didn’t think this was the appropriate time to discuss the societal and cultural pressures women face or how to define who is beautiful. I, personally, do not want my daughter thinking her worth is based on the way her body looks. If I can teach her how to focus on her physical and mental fitness now, then perhaps she will have the confidence and balance not to let her weight and physical appearance consume her as she grows up. 

My mom grew up in a culture where being skinny and fair skinned was the quintessential definition of beauty. Oh, who are we kidding? It still is. Most, if not all women, have had to deal with a limited range of societal and cultural norms of what beautiful is. I have friends of all races and cultural backgrounds who have shared stories of being told that they’ve gained too much weight from their moms, aunts, uncles and grandmothers! I have adult family members that still deal with the severe mental repercussions of being told they were fat or chubby as children. 

A few months ago I offered up precisely the wrong message to Nyeema. We were getting ready to go somewhere and I kept changing my outfit (seriously, why don’t clothes fit at home the way they did when you tried them on at the store?). Well, my daughter asked me why I changed because she loved the first outfit I was wearing. Out of my own frustration, I said “Ugg. I look so fat today.” It took just a few seconds for the regret to sink in. Yes, she sees me getting ready all the time. She sees me twisting left and right in the mirror to make sure my outfit looks perfect. She sees me taking my time to do my hair and make up (I don’t wear much make up anyway). But why couldn’t I just say “I didn’t like that outfit”? I didn’t want her to think that “feeling fat” was a thing. But it is… 

In our home, we stress that eating healthy and working out are important because doing so creates fit physical and mental spheres. We want to raise a healthy individual. During the Covid lockdown, Nyeema gained a little bit of weight and I noticed her cute belly sticking out in her bathing suit. Although she’s young and I thought it was cute, I knew healthy habits needed to be taught as a child. I did wonder how I would react if someone, specifically an extended family member (you know, we all have that aunt!), pointed out her protruding belly. Angry mama bear would show up in a hot second! 

As her parents, however, we want to focus on health. So, we had her join us for some workouts in our garage and reduced her sugar intake during this “at home” chaos. She was not happy about not being able to have sugar during the week (with some exceptions) but we educated her on the negative effects of excessive sugar in our bodies. As any kid, we still need to remind her of these! 

It’s inevitable that our kids will realize one day that society celebrates physical appearances. But for now, the goal is to build their confidence – more so because we up’d the ante. Imagine growing up with the societal pressure of what beauty is coupled with social media influences. I am of the “Seventeen” and “Tiger Beat” magazine era where we imitated the looks of Alyssa Milano and Drew Barrymore, not our friends and classmates. It was easier when we didn’t have to worry about the number of followers we had or the “likes” our post received. 

As parents, it is critical for us to instill positive reinforcement in our kids, not necessarily focused on physical attributes. I’ve never asked my mom to remove the pictures on her refrigerator. That’s her way of managing her spheres. Instead, I have to build my daughter’s confidence so that she knows she can conquer this world irrespective of her size and style of clothes. The goal is to be fit physically AND mentally and to have balance in these spheres before our kids are exposed to the physically focused world they are a part of. 

Here are some tips I use to instill confidence in my child. I hope they help you! 

• Model confidence ourselves (even during times we don’t feel it). Let our kids see the real flaws in us and show them that we accept them. I’ve learned through my own error that next time I’m feeling “fat”, I’m going to own my fat in all it’s glory in the outfit I choose to wear! 

• Appreciate your kids efforts even when they fall short. 

• Give them genuine compliments – don’t lie and give them a false sense of confidence. 

• Don’t worry so much about the clothes they choose to wear (I admit, this one is a tough one for me and I am working on it). Point being, we don’t want the clothes they wear to define them. 

• Don’t let them talk negatively about themselves. When they do, help them turn that negative comment into a positive one. Comments like “I don’t like my curly hair” may seem insignificant, but it’s just the beginning of not liking who we are and appreciating what we have. We need to embrace our gorgeous curls. 

• Don’t compare them to other kids. They are their own self and need to develop their own self worth irrespective of others.